I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
