Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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