So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
