listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
