So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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