Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
