i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
