Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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