The best revenge is premature balding
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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