I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
