I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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