You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
