No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
