yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
