fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
false alarm, still single
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
