i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
