You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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