I puked a lego.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
