Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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