From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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