I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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