I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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