Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
