I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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