I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
