let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
