Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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