so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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