I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
