ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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