my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We're too hungover to prance.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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