Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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