Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
