I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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