Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
