I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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