We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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