1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
