I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
