I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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