It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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