When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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