haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
