cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
