I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
