In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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