new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
