remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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