I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
