I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
