An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
