I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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